I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Barsexuality is the new black.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
