Whatcha textin bout Willis?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
