the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
