So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
