so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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