You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
