So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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