end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
