shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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