Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
They have beer where we have blood.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
