Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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