I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
