listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
