the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Randomize
