Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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