So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I think people are normalizing furries
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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