when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
