Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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