You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
