her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
