Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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