i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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