Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
