I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
