I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
