I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
