I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
