Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
