What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
