So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
