Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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