I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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