my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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