my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I am naked and annoyed.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
