I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
