If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
