i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
