please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i came on her dog
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
