I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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