Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
