smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
