No more Irish car bombs ever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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