i already hear my dad disowning me
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
