put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
