I am puke
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
