I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
