I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
