Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
