She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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