I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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