just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
